A Monster Among Us

When I was born I was "Baby Girl Palmer" for 24 hours since my dad couldn't be bothered to be there for my mother and sign the birth certificate. This would set the tone for our relationship with him from there on out.

My brother is 14 years older than me and embraced taking on more of a father role in my life. People would often mistake he and my mother as a couple and him as my father. This absolutely delighted him. He poignantly told my mom once that he would die for me. I do not doubt this even to this day.

I always used him as a measuring stick to compare all males I encountered, yet none could ever compare. In my eyes he was the most perfect brother, father, husband, and cop you could ever meet. It has been absolutely painful for me that he has been sitting innocently in prison for nearly a decade. My sister turned her back on him and his wife divorced him. The only person staying by his side and keeping me informed was our father. Finally! This poor excuse for a dad is totally rallying and taking care of his son.

This weekend my former sister in law and my mother spoke. My mom wrote her to get my brother's current prison address, but my ex sister in law wanted to speak to her. What could she possibly want from us? She didn't even want to wait for my brother to be free! And then they spoke...

My sweet, perfect brother is a pedophile and our father has been telling elaborate lies to cover for him.

Crash. Boom. Thud.

That is the sound of my brain crashing through my heart crashing through my stomach and landing on the floor. To say that I am stunned is a gross understatement. I never read the deposition. All of my information came from our father. He said that there was this family with a vendetta against my brother the cop. His daughter befriended this troubled little girl and in a desperate attempt for attention she accused my brother of abuse. My dad said not only is this completely unbelievable of my brother, she's accused people before for attention. To save his family the embarrassment and torture of a trial, my brother took a plea bargain and sits in prison this poor, innocent, perfect god fearing man that I've always known and loved. My dad said my sister was this horrible wretch that turned her back on her own brother, and my sister in law was a horrible wife that wouldn't stand by her man and divorced him when he needed her most.
The reality was they read the deposition and knew the truth: he couldn't fight his urges any longer, molested his own daughter's friend, and came clean about it three years into his MUCH too brief sentence.

The guilt is crushing me. I thought horrible things of my sister, my sister in law, and a poor, innocent little girl. My mom suggested that I read the deposition so I can stop imagining what happened and maybe work on getting over it, but I don't want to get over it. I want to suffer. I want to suffer so hard that I take away all the pain that this little girl is feeling. Give it to me, universe! I want it! I want to never ever forget her.

And don't worry, dear brother, I'll never forget you either. My sweet baby girl has your face and I look at it every day. You've given out some burdensome crosses to bear, but I pray that yours is eternally the heaviest.

My question for you is: What do you do when someone that loves you unconditionally does something completely unforgivable?